Taking my own medicine
Ten days ago, I shared with the Telegraph my experience of dealing with isolation; it was just as most of us were heading into lock down and the world was starting to look very different. My advice, was on the tip of my tongue; I’ve spent a huge amount of time with myself in the middle of the ocean. And I like it, I like being alone, self-reliant, purposeful, accomplished. But this last week, staying home to help stop the spread of corona virus, has been tougher than I expected. It has been difficult to stay focussed and I’ve been trying to understand why I have struggled to follow my own advice
It’s not that I don’t have enough to do, believe me there is plenty. It’s more that I am struggling with the enormity of this situation, how things outside my sphere of influence are changing my life on a daily basis. How at times it can seem that I have no control over what happens next. I am one of life’s problem solvers; I never look at an obstacle as insurmountable. Instead I look for the way around. The path to the Vendee Globe has not been an easy one, I’ve encountered many barriers along the way, I’ve struggled down an unmade road, building my own solutions embracing each challenge. I can think of multiple bumps in the road where others would have bowed out but I have refused to yield.
It is now I fully realise how solo ocean racing gives me the ultimate freedom and agency to be exactly the person that I want. Yes, it’s a tough environment to choose, it’s demanding to the extreme and it tests me in every way you could imagine; but I have chosen to be on that boat in the middle of that ocean. I willingly went to sea alone, every decision that is made on board that boat is mine. I choose how I react, I choose how hard I push or when to hang back. My job list is endless but it’s all crucial work; in the ocean procrastination can not only decrease performance but it can be dangerous. Even the most hated tasks have to be completed and I will not rest until I know they are done. It has been tough to bring that primal focus to my land-based isolation, maybe because I feel my ability to move mountains has been curtailed.
Many people struggle with the concept of ultimate freedom, when given the blank sheet of paper and no boundaries, they struggle with the lack of structure and external feedback, where as I relish in those conditions. For me this imposition of necessary boundaries in the last two weeks has been my challenge to face head on. I’ve had to figure out how to manage within these restrictions, how to keep moving forwards in a positive way but adapting to rules I did not see coming.
If I reflect on my experience sailing I realise I do have the tools to deal with these feelings, the issue is I have been focussing my energy in the wrong place. There are times at sea when your options are curtailed, either through adverse weather or damage to the boat. In those circumstances it is crucial to understand what you can control and to reduce your efforts to managing those things only. When we are racing across oceans alone, we cannot influence the weather we can just find our best way through it and adapt to conditions. When damage happens we cannot undo it, once again we simply have to adapt to and make the most of our new set of circumstances. At sea I am able to swallow disappointment, to adapt and to carry on. I have finished every race I ever started, despite damage, injuries and bad weather.
Over the last couple of days I have had to dig deep, to search through my own experience and find a positive way to keep moving forwards. I have found it in the understanding that I need to reduce my field of focus and spend more time on the things I can achieve. This week that will take the shape of daily trips to the boat shed, where my refit has had to be paused, the boat ready to spray and naked – stripped of all deck gear. I can work alone on the boat, it will make a small dent in a big job list but at least it is moving forwards. I can sort, clean, sand and prepare in the knowledge I am making a difference. When restrictions are lifted and work can start again, my boat will be one step closer to relaunching and I will have made that step happen.
From this week I will be working alone in the shed, doing an afternoon every day, doing what I can and under my own steam to move the refit forwards. I look forward to sharing those details with you. Small steps to make my own environment better. This I can do and this will keep me moving forwards.
The refit has been paused due to Corona Virus social distancing restrictions