‘I will carry on fighting for every mile’
Ok folks, in the spirit of total honesty I am putting my hand up and confessing to being grumpy. Yes…it's true; Little Miss Sunshine over here is in a stinker of a mood. I'm done with the doldrums. Totally and utterly done with being thrown around by sloppy inconsistent waves, listening to sails flogging, blocks banging, the pilot struggling to work out which way it is supposed to be going. I'm done with being alternately drenched in sweat then drenched in downpours. I'm done with changing sails only to have to change them back 2 minutes later. I'm done with endless trips up and down from the engine room to drop the keel, then raise it, then drop it, then raise it. And most of all I am done with every time I put my head down the boat starts going slow or the wind changes direction and I have to get back up again. Ok..... I'm done!
The reality is I have not slept enough, drunk enough or eaten enough in the last 48 hours and that is manifesting itself in the form of swearing at inanimate objects, a lack of patience, feeling sorry for myself, being close to tears when an unexpected wave spilt my cup of tea this morning, and once...only once...a full on belly roar at a cloud to "just get lost and go and mess someone else's life up for a change" (this language has been adapted to protect the innocent).
We solo sailors love stability. Stability is when we can trim the boat well, then let it get on with things. We can then sleep, inspect the boat, do maintenance, eat. All safe in the knowledge that not a lot is changing so all I need to do is occasionally check the course and glance at trim. For the last two days there has been no stability, so my energy and my will power have been slowly eroded until I am standing in the cockpit screaming at the sky.
I know this is a temporary state so it's bearable. In fact, just writing this now has made me feel better already. It's allowed me to zoom out of my tiny little world and rationalise that it will all seem better after food, drink and a kip. There is hope after all, coming over the horizon in the form of some nasty little waves that my bow slaps into making the whole boat shudder. Something has created these waves that are marching towards me with no mercy. Judging by the direction of them it must be the South East trade winds. So we can't be too far off now.
I guess I am also grumpy because I care. I have put so much effort into the last week of sailing. It was unexpected to be so far forward in the fleet and I feel all of the miles made I fought for and it would be such a wrench to lose them because I got stuck under a windless cloud in the doldrums for half a day. So, I carry on fighting for every mile, safe in the knowledge that when I pop out the other side of this equatorial hell, my world will seem a better place so cheerful, positive inner me can be back with a vengeance.