My competitive devil
The last couple of days on Medallia have been a blend of awesome sailing, blue skies, huge bright moonlit nights, elation and frustration, as I have had pedal to the metal trying to stay ahead of this front.
My objectives have been straight forward: stay ahead of the front, make the most of this breeze to drive East into the Pacific slowly dropping down towards the ice limit. The delivery of these objectives not so simple as the wind angle is a tough one for Medallia and I am as ever struggling with sail cross overs and a lack of righting moment for reaching.
Medallia only signed up as my title sponsor for the Vendee Globe Race in July this year. Before then I had planned a fantasy sail wardrobe in my head, but was looking at a reality of going around the world with my existing sails, which were used by Alan Roura in the last Vendee. When Medallia came onboard the first thing I ordered was my sails but this only gave us a window of four months, to agree, design, build, fit and test my new sails... not very long.
The sails arrived mid-September and we snatched every day we could recording polars and cross overs which have been the basis for most of my decisions and routing to date and I think we did a pretty good job. But in the last couple of days in an effort to stay ahead of this front and maybe with Cali so close and the competitive little devil sitting on my shoulder I have been testing and pushing the limits of what my small code zero is capable of.
The average wind angle has been 100-120 degrees. The wind range has been 18-35 knots. This has made hard work for me in the balance of risk and reward, speed and safety, attacking or accepting my position. According to the early cross over charts the zero was out of range in much over 22 knots and so initially and religiously I rolled it away, but the loss of performance changing down to the smaller sail would slowly eat away at my soul until I just couldn't take it anymore and the sail had to come out again. Gently I have been nudging up the wind strength and angles I'm using the zero in. I've changed the sheeting positions, altered the balance with the mainsail, all the time watching intently, listening for signs of strain or the whooshing through the hull that tells me we are slipping sideways. I've been surprised and concerned but not always willing to back off. Sometimes, launching off waves, managing to equal my boat speed to the windspeed I am holding on tight and my stomach is in a knot, 'is this too much?' ' am I taking too many risks?' but it's addictive. I won't lie - I get a huge kick out of seeing Medallia somewhere near the top of the leader board on a 24hr run. It is so very unexpected and I know I should not really be there. But now I am curious to see what else we could do.
But there has to be an off switch I know that. I am a very long way from home, the race is only half way through, so many more miles to sail, problems to solve, storms to encounter. I do know this and I have to trust myself to know where that red line is. I can normally feel it. Like now for example, literally just as I wrote these words the boat heeled just a little bit too much. I looked up and sure enough the wind speed has snuck up. Just two knots but I have registered a number that I haven't seen for a while. It's noted, I am now on amber alert.
I constantly monitor average wind angle, windspeed, boat speed on the computer. I've never been great with numbers I am much more a words kind of person so I use graphs to show averages and give me an overall picture of what is actually happening. I am constantly looking all over the boat and up the rig every few hours I will put the bow down to get the boat flat and dry then do a quick walk of the deck a two minute health check, then back on the breeze again. When I do concede and change down I make sure I use that time wisely. Maybe steering up a few degrees, to bank some height and open more possibilities for using the zero later, it's a time of less risk so I can sleep, maybe do some jobs or just give my brain a little chance to relax, to drop the stress for just a small amount of time.
I'm reading this back to myself and wondering still if I am pushing too hard. It's a question that bugs me day and night. I am a competitive person I know that; but this extra effort to stretch, to learn, to challenge the status quo of what is possible. This is not about beating other people it's about finding out what I can do with what I have. I guess it's based on the fundamental belief I have that it is always possible to do better. I know I would be devastated if I made an error that put me out of the race. I don't want to be a knuckle head with my foot on the gas that sails the boat until it breaks. I want to make that finish more than anything but equally I am driven to sail the best race I can, I owe it to myself and to everyone who has helped me get here. So, I guess I have to trust my instincts and that I will back off when I need to and as I grow in confidence and push Medallia harder my humility remains and my ego stays in check.